In a week when the Labour government came off the rails, the Chancellor blubbed in the House of Commons and Wimbledon witnessed the time-honoured first week cull of British hopefuls, the press went into a meltdown of its own. To read the editorials, the UK stands on the edge of the abyss. Every chart, spreadsheet, think-tank, op-ed and horoscope screams disaster. The diagnoses of Britain's predicament are legion: government incompetence; out-of-control welfare; porous borders; mass immigration; tax; woke; politicians; racism; social injustice, Trump, Islam - you name it. But there is perhaps a deeper malaise than any of these, which is we live in the Age of the Berk.
The English language can possibly claim the most number of words, idioms and usages to describe folly. Some are straight imports: cretin, for example (French) and jackass (American ). But the sheer range of synonyms and expressions in the English language is nonetheless impressive, while serving an important social function. Perhaps those languages which have fewer words for fools are more prone to civil disorder and even rebellion. The word "cretin" for example seems to cover a lot of bases in France while in English is has a narrower calibration: specifically it refers to an idiotic and repugnant lout; what the Americans would call a "jerk". In both trans-Atlantic uses, the folly invites revulsion and anger. On the other hand the word "jackass" is a softer American idiom in which the fool invites derision and laughter. The genius of the English language is it has yet another which can be deftly inserted between these two usages. The word "berk" neatly describes a person whose behaviour lacks sense, awareness or judgement, particularly where they are in a position of authority or significance. They have no particular talent other than an ability to irritate. They are often high-minded ignoramuses. In face of these types you are scunnered and can only offer a sad shake of the head. You just know the berk will never change; it is an immutable part of their nature.
After last week's shambles in Parliament, can there now be any doubt the government is composed mostly of utter berks? Sir Keir Starmer is of course berk-inter-pares: there is his portentous manner; his sanctimony; his vacuous attempts to look ruggedly "authentic" and solidly competent; his lack of bottle and his complete inability to read the room. As Prime Minister he sets the tone and attracts fellow berks: David Lammy, whose clownish utterances are at least confined to a department where the government has little impact; Angela "Tory Scum" Rayner and her pride in proving you don't need an education to be a total idiot; Bridget Phillipson whose charmless fanaticism is unleavened by her Oxbridge background; Lords Hermer and Falconer who can be relied upon to pontificate mightily with self-regard but little sense and Ed Milliband whose dogged stupidity probably takes the prize in a crowded field. Think too of the preening "Sir" Sadiq Khan. Sadly the other characteristic of the berk is their ability to hang on, barnacle like, to whatever office they occupy. They are untroubled by doubt, impervious to evidence and have no shame whatsoever. Their most irritating characteristic is their chutzpah.
But it would be unfair to single out the Labour Party. What about Liz Truss, Matt Hancock, the aptly named John Bercow and those jackasses (or were they jerks?) on either side of the Tory Brexit debate? Then there are Jeremy Corbyn, John Swinney, Sir Ed Davey and Nigel Farage - all bear the unmistakable marks of the berk. Nor is the tendency confined to politics. Connoisseurs of the syndrome will recognise the Director General of the BBC and Gary Lineker; the head of OFGEM; Jude Bellingham; Michael Eavis; the entire apparat of the All-England Tennis Club; Chris Packham; the Governor of the Bank of England; Daniel Kabede; Dr Chaand Nagpaul; Justin Rowlatt; the Duke of York; Michael O'Leary; Alan Sugar and his apprentices and the berk who gave us abrdn. And whoever it was who brought us Mrs Brown's Boys. Thinking about just one of these individuals is enough to induce depression.
What is responsible for the proliferation of the berkerati ? That's easy: the education system and the peculiar habits of modern parenting. We live in an age of reverence for the achievements of children and all must have prizes. There is "child-centred learning"; "tiger-parenting"; daubs praised as being akin to Picasso; and a vague facility with Lego treated as an aptitude worthy of Brunel. We all know (or know of) parents who think the obnoxiousness of their offspring is fascinating, particularly in the company of other "grown-ups". Every screech of the violin or mew on the recorder produces raptures. And if a child is simply incapable (or unwilling) to jump the ever-descending bar of educational attainment, then they are deemed to have some medical handicap. In such an environment of low expectations the bright, the talented, the diligent and the truly handicapped are effectively incentivised to give up or get out. But to the budding berk or cretin, it's a place akin to nirvana. It is a world in which mediocrity is given a gold star and where "attitude" is encouraged or indulged all the way to adulthood. The berk and the cretin thrive on self esteem but know nothing of self respect.
Berk-ish behaviour is an increasing feature of our daily lives. As the clipboard wielding and lanyard wearing class expands, so does the propensity of people to behave like berks. It is there in fatuous health 'n safety instructions and in every plodding "risk assessment". The bugle call of the berk can be heard in "See It. Say It. Sorted" and their Bible seen in those stupid and ubiquitous NHS cartoons showing you how to wash your hands. It is there in the notices saying "Abuse of our staff ("operatives") will not be tolerated". Every public sector berk is, apparently, "Entitled to Respect in their Work for You". Every new rule and regulation expands the sway of the lumpenberketariat; they are the masters of small-print and bye-laws and revel in process and protocols. Their coral reef is the HR department, HMRC, the House of Commons, NHS administration, the local council office, quango, pressure group and public sector union. Worst of all is their infestation of what today is laughingly called customer service.
Is there any way to avoid a berk? Their lanyard or identity badge will often give you advance warning. Whereas in olden times the berk would ultimately be unmasked by names such as Graham, Nigel, Alan and Gordon, today the surest sign of the berk is the publicly displayed shortening of their Christian name. Beware of anyone in authority called Steve, Dave, Pete, Debbi, Steph or Pat. Their self-appointed role is to thwart and inertia is their default setting; the faux matiness of their title is a guarantee of maximum inconvenience to you and minimal effort from them. For there is no redress against the berk as their bosses are likely to have been cast from the same mould. Alan begat Dave.
The Age of the Charlatan rose with Tony Blair, peaked with Mark Carney and fell with Boris Johnson and Nicola Sturgeon. In between there was the brief interlude of Gordon Brown, an actual grown up who at least had the decency never to refer to himself as one. Today, "The Grown Ups Are Back In The Room" and The Apprentice is back on the telly, as sure signs as any we live in the Age of the Berk. The really bad news is that with the berks in charge, it will take forever to clean up the mess left by the charlatans. All we can do is clench our teeth.
At least until our patience finally runs out.
